Are You Trying to Rebuild Your Life After Your Home Was Torn Apart By Your Spouse’s Addiction to Pornography?
Discovering that your spouse has a secret life is devastating. Especially if your spouse cultivated an image of a really nice guy. Perhaps even as a leader at church or in your community. You thought you knew who he was and suddenly, you’re asking yourself,
Who is this person I’ve lived with all these years?
Now that I know what do I do?
What are the rules for how to handle something like this?
Can my marriage be saved?
What about STDs?
Will I ever be able to trust him (or anyone) again?
How can I ever get through this?
When will I wake up from this nightmare and go back to living the life I thought I had?
You are not alone and THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! Let me say that again. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!
The fear, grief, numbness, anger, panic, and confusion you are experiencing is a normal response to betrayal.
You’ve come to the right place.
My name is Laurie Hall. I met my husband while he was a member of the Presidential Honor Guard. He was the son of career missionaries and had a White House Security Clearance. My friends described him as a super nice, squeaky clean guy. It didn’t take me long to sense that something was wrong but I couldn’t figure out what it was. Even his best friend who worked with him every day didn’t know he was a sex addict who was going to strip clubs and hiring prostitutes. He hid it well. Very well. Later, when everything came out in the open, he would say with a gleam in his eye, “I fooled everyone. I was slicker than O.J.”
I kept trying to find out. I asked questions. Went for counseling. Fasted. Prayed.
I even asked point blank, “Are you cheating on me?” He got very angry and said I was terrible for even thinking he would do that. How crazy do you think that made me feel?
Are you feeling crazy, too?
Then, come and rest here for a while. You will get through this. I’m not going to lie to you and say getting to the other side of this is easy. It isn’t, but it’s worth it. So, worth it. And you won’t be traveling through the valley of this shadow alone. On this website, you’ll find a number of tools to help you through.
Hi Laurie,
My name is Linda Huffman, Founder and Director of Women Encouraged, a Christian based women’s group now 12 years old. I found your book through christian radio,at a time when I was so desparate, long story short..I keep your book by my desk where I have my morning prayer,it has been opened and reread so many times. It has been such a blessing. In October I launched an online magazine for women. WE Magazine. I have guest authors on the Books Page. I would love for you to be a guest. Please visit the website: womenencouraged.org WE Magazine. If you are interested please let me know. I would be honored. Thank you for your time. Linda
Dear Linda, Somehow your post got overlooked. I so apologize! I am deeply touched that my book has been so helpful to you and honored that you have invited me to write for your online magazine. I will visit your website and get back to you after the holidays. I am going to be developing a newsletter. Would you like to be on my mailing list? Blessings to you, dear One! Laurie
Thank you for your book. God put it into my hands at exactly the right time. I have been married to a man for 21 years who has been addicted to porn our entire marriage. We have been separated for 10 months. There has been no steps toward repentance from him. Your book helped me see that all the things I have felt and am feeling are normal. God has been so near to me in this time. And each day brings more healing for my heart. Your book has made a huge impact on my life and I want to thank you for your obedience to The Lord in writing it. My life has been changed as a result.
Dear Courageous Sooner, I am so grateful that my book has been helpful to you. I would love to hear how things are with you now. Would you give me an update–are you still separated? Good for you for making a choice to honor yourself and take a stand for the meaning of your wedding vows. Those vows did not bind you to a life of despair. They were intended to set the conditions of the marriage. The “forsaking all others” part is a pretty important condition. I am going to be sending out an email newsletter with tips and support for women going through this. Would you be interested in being on my list? Keep going, you are doing all the right things. Hugs and blessings, Laurie
Hi, thanks for sharing. I’m wondering if it’s OK to copy some of the text in my site?
Hi, Catherine, What would you like to copy and what is the URL of your site? Thanks! Laurie
I am about finished with the book, an affair of the mind”
Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to all of it. My husband currently
Has started another affair with a woman In another state and I am waiting for our daughter to marry this spring before I separate. It’s been 29 years of affairs, one night stands, porn, massage parlors, strip clubs, and who knows what else? ( have I missed anything??)
So, your book was featured and reviewed in my church’s newspaper. I can’t believe it’s been published since the 90′s and I never heard about it before……
I also signed up with the website you suggest: New life partners. Again, I can’t thank you enough. I’ve tried 10-12 counselors over 28 years, read books, COSA meetings, etc. I’m done with him, but really need help with co-dependency. I hope to have success in the future with that and expect these new resources will help very much. Blessings to you
Marianne
Sweet Marianne, I love your sense of humor (“have I MISSED anything?”) Oh, girl, it’s gonna feel so good when you don’t have to wait for the other shoe to drop anymore!!! You are amazing. I have another website that I am currently developing that is designed to give help for women like us.
http://www.afteranaffairofthemind.com. It’s brand new–there are some resources on there and more in development. I will be starting an email newsletter to send out resources and encouragement. Would you like to be on my list?
I know you’re going to be OK. Hugs and admiration, Laurie
I am going through the book again as I try to help another man break free from the bondage of sin. I am wondering how your story has worked out after all these years?
It’s been a grueling 2 years of trying to find some answers to the devastation of my whole life: financial, emotional, womanhood, motherhood, sexuality, and more. Found your book. Thought you spoke to many issues I had been dealing with and asking God about for answers, but have not been able to talk with anyone about. As I cry for help, God sends me books, but not people. Thought I’d try your website for some connection as these issues are not readily understood or talked about, at least where I live. Did send a message to newlifepartners.org for some help, per your recommendation in your book. Will await an answer. Have been wondering how you fared after your book said your husband did not come to repentance. Very sobering, but still you obeyed what God had given you to do and obey, sacrificing yourself holding on to the covenant you made to God. I think God may be requiring the same thing of me, but am cautious because I have a tendency to caregive and have compassion, but want God’s heart not my “martyrdom” on this. Hope this finds a person, but a least it feels good to express my feelings wherever it goes.
Hello, Elizabeth, You did find a real person. This is Laurie. Your story touches my heart! I am in the early stages of setting up this website and one other to help women like us find that connection you talk about. My other website is wwww.afteranaffairofthemind.com. You’ll see it’s still in early stages but there are some resources on there and I am developing more for in the near future. I will be starting a newsletter soon and will be offering teleclasses and a members only area where wives can share with each other. Would you like to be on the subscriber list?
Sweet Elizabeth, I did hold on to the covenant until I was released so that my ex-husband could be given the gift of consequences for his choices. I tell a bit of my story after my marriage ended on the new website and will tell more as I get my newsletter up and running. You are so right not to martyr yourself in this. God does not want that from us. Your husband is on his own journey. He will arrive where he is supposed to when he is supposed to. He is exercising his free choice and you get to decide if that works for you or not. Know your value and know that his choices do not define you or your worth or your beauty. Know that you are deeply loved and let that sink in and wash away the sense of rejection and shame. Love yourself dearest. Give yourself compassion. Do what you need to do to be safe, physically, emotionally, financially, and sexually.
Thank you for taking the time to write to me.
Again, please let me know if you would like to be on my email list.
Hugs! Laurie
Please sign me up for any newsletters or groups of women supporting each other. I have been married for close to 20 years…and for 20 years my husband has repented from using porn, an active fantasy life with people he works with, etc. But repentance never “takes” in a permanent way. I think I am FINALLY seeing the light. This will never change, will it?
Sweet Caroline,
Repentance means to turn and go another way. Because it hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean it will never happen. AND you are wise to recognize that it is what he does, not what he says that you need to trust. So, if he says he has repented but he continues in the behavior, than what you trust is he is continuing in the behavior and you make your choices from there. Every time you extend trust based on his assurances and he then continues in the behavior, you are re-wounded. Guard your heart with all diligence for out of it come the issues of your life. So, yes, you are seeing the light of his pattern of continually choosing the behavior. In that light, make your choices about what you will and will not allow in your life.
You will be OK. You are being guided. Trust your inner knowing and each step will be made clear.
I will put your name on my email list.
Hugs and blessings!
Laurie
Hi Laurie,
I very recently became aware of your book and am still reading it after a few months because I keep rereading it.
It has been a long journey for me in which my 1st husband died from the observance of porn and acting out before I even knew what was going on and 2nd husband is addicted also to the only the viewing, that I know of. He admitted he has battled since being a teenager and is now middle aged. I wonder if there is something about me that attracts these kind of men for some reason or is it just that rampant? I do not dress seductively or act that way, though he would prefer I did. I love God and love him but can’t help feeling like I will never be truly loved by my husband in the way that God intended and he makes me feel like I don’t measure up for varying reasons whether intentional or non-intentional. He says he is working to overcome his temptations and requires my support but its been 13 years now and though it seems less a problem at times (likely due to age and less drive) it usually comes around again. As I age, I feel less secure in the marriage. I keep holding on because he seems to have temporary spiritual revivals where wisdom permeates his brain and he recognizes God’s spiritual call, but he will also make excuses for falling to temptation such as; “he is doing his best” and “God still loves me, so I shouldn’t have to feel condemned by you”,(which he does if only I bring the subject up), and “Where is your unconditional love?”
I have been patient, loving and non-condemning. In my eyes, raising protest to something that is so wrong and destructive should not be seen as condemning. If I threaten to end the marriage he accuses me of not being able to ‘unconditionally’ love him.
Would you kindly add me to your mailing list please?
I really could benefit from the support offered by you and your readers.
Thank you for your book and sharing openly.
Sweet Sue, My heart goes out to you!! I so understand the ups and downs and the sense of insecurity and waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s a difficult and draining way to live.
What are you feeling inside when your husband says “he is doing his best” and “God still loves me, so I shouldn’t have to feel condemned by you”, and “Where is your unconditional love?” Can you list the feelings? Do you feel unconditionally loved by your husband?
Please do something today to love yourself. Something small that you can savour–like buying fresh flowers or having a great cup of coffee or tea or getting your nails done or taking a nice walk. As you do this small thing, feel the love you have for yourself and tell yourself, “I’m taking good care of you, Sue. Isn’t this delicious!”
I’ll put you on my mailing list.
Hugs,
Laurie